Re: Quoatable Lemons

Rockford Brodie wrote:

A few classics:

"Bragging about winning Lemons is like bragging about cleaning your toilet twice in one day"

and:

http://i.imgur.com/M94UG.jpg

^^^ That was all Judge Jonny.

Dangerous Banned Technology (NOLA 09), Judges Choice (Houston 2010), Organizers Choice (NOLA 2010), Most Heroic Fix (Dallas 2010), $100 from Jay's Pocket (Dallas 2010), Dangerous Homemade Technology (NOLA 2010), Ununhexium Legends of Lemons Status,  Index of Effluency (Dallas 2011), Most Heroic Fix - (Houston 2011), Index of Effluency (TWS - 2012), Organizers Choice (Dallas 2013)

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Judge Johnny ;  Aw come on I like you guys, what did you do? 
Me; I called in and no body is available to drive, I overextended myself and went 4 off.
JJ; what do you mean no one is available?
Me; One guy finished his stint, a other one just went out and the rest are sleeping.
JJ; Ok go get us lunch, get a cold drink and go back out.

This was at Summit Point 2010 at about 3:00 PM.

A couple hours later I ran out of gas in the Snoopy van and went 4 off on purpose.
Judge Johnny: "Why you here now?"
Me: "I just saved everybody's life on the track with my awesome evasive maneuvers."
JJ: "Yeah, what was that?"
Me: "I ran out of gas and pulled the van off the track."
He then told me to go get some gas and go back out.

As far as our builds go:

Now that is how the factory should have done it .
MORE HEAT!
Where is that @#%&# fire extinguisher!
Hey lets put a turbo/supercharger on it.
Don't worry it will be fine.
If we bring extra engines they wont blow up.

It Ain't My Fault

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Dave wrote:

If we bring extra engines they wont blow up.

I've tried this theory. It doesn't work. Excellent in theory though.

14 Time Loser FutilityMotorsport
2008 Saab 9-5Aero Wagon
Retired - 1989 Dodge Daytona Shelby 2011-2015 "Lifetime Award for Lack of Achievement" IOE, 3X I got screwed, Organizer's Choice

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Words not allowed near our Lemons car: 'It's beautiful.'

A few years ago an AutoWeek journalist bummed a drive in our ThunderTerd. We were so far down the leaderboard that it just didn't matter. When he got back, he jumped out of the car and said 'WOW! I have never driven a race car before!' Our girl driver, deadpan: 'You still haven't.'

One of the judges (IIRC it was Judge Johnny) at our first race grabbed a guy who had a really clean Toyota, steered him over to the ThunderTerd which was patiently waiting its turn in the judge's sights, pointed at 2" of acorn shells and rat shit on the intake and said 'THIS is what a Lemons car looks like!'

Hong Norr member, drunk: 'BIG! HAIRY! COCONUT! RAT BALLS!!!!!'

Philosophy of life: old age and treachery will ALWAYS overcome youth, enthusiasm and cash. General smartass know it all beer swilling ne'er do well. Avoid eye contact with this person, best avoided completely. 2008 Animal House Racing CMP 'Most Likely To Leave In An Ambulance' 2009 Blind Rodent Racing CMP 2010 Team Galileo CMP 2011 Roundhouse Kick Racing CMP 2012 Road Kill Grill Racing CMP (x2)

30 (edited by NSF 2012-09-04 11:55 AM)

Re: Quoatable Lemons

From one of our rookie drivers:

Wendy:  Whoot!  That was fun.  Everyone on the track was so friendly, I think they really like your car.  They were waving and pointing at me.  I would have stayed out there but the brakes failed.  It took me two laps to slow down.

Bob: Um, get out of the car, NOW! 

Wendy:  Why, did I do something wrong?

Bob:  No, but the brakes are on fire!

http://nsf-racing.com/web_images/img_0727.jpg

This space for rent.

Re: Quoatable Lemons

We sent a driver out to do hist first stint in the new, improved car (freshened JY engine, rebuilt & adjusted shifter, new brakes & tires....).
Radio Transcript:
Pit: "How's it going out there?"
Driver: "Great."
  (pause)
"What I wanna know is should my d!ck be this hard?  Cause this feels really good."

Names deleted to protect the guilty.

Jim C.
If God meant for us to race, we'd all have baggy Nomex skin.
08TMS.09NL.10GM, SP. NL.11SP, NL.12SP, VIR, NL.13GM, NJ.14NJ, VIR, WGI.15AB,16GM...

Re: Quoatable Lemons

We had pink felt glued to our miata when it was the barbie car, and after two days of racing it was getting rough, edges coming loose, etc.

As they are waving the checkered flag on sunday, they throw a black flag on our car. So our driver's trying to figure out what the hell he did, and where he was supposed to go as he drives around, and waiting in line with all the rest of the cars going off track, and a corner worker waves him over to the side

Worker: Hey man, you're on fire!

Driver: Thanks!

Worker: No, your car has flames under it, get out!

Turns out he was seeing the flapping felt and not flames.

Team Lost in the Dark
Winner " I got screwed" and "Jay's dream car"
2012 Gulf region champs

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Driver: "I'm 99% sure I did not hit him."
Jay: "Please explain to me the 1%."

Driver: "My mom has something to say to you!"
Driver's Mom: "My son was in 6th and left the penalty box in 23rd."
Jay: "Hi Mom, is your son here to win this race?"
Driver's Mom: "Yes, he always wants to win."
Driver: < Facepalm >

Driver: "I was not speeding in the pits!"
Jay: "Where is your speedo?"
Driver: "In a box in my pit. I use my Tach!"
Jay: "Where is your Tach?"
Driver: "In the box with the Speedo but that's not what we are discussing here!"

From Race Control;

Corner Worker: "Race control, this is Turn 8, we have a piece of garbage on the track."
Race Control: "Turn 8, there are 125 pieces of garbage on the track."

Summer's Eve Racing - '09 Yee-Haw; '10 Gator-O-Rama, NorDal Hooptie, Yee-Haw; '11 Gator-O-Rama, NorDal Hooptie (Winner, Class A!)
TARP Racing - '11 Yee-Haw, Heaps; '12 Gator-O-Rama (Winner, Class C ... Looking for a Class B Win to Complete the Trifecta!), Heaps; '13 NorDal Hooptie, Gator-O-Rama

Re: Quoatable Lemons

We drilled 4" holes in the roof of our Milano, then screwed on some home dryer vents and plastic vent hose (since upgraded to high tech aluminum vent hose) to run some cooling to the rear brakes.  With a Sharpie, I wrote "Autodelta" on them, including "Destra" (right) and "Sinstre" (left) on the appropriate sides.

At our first race, I overheard a couple of people talking about our car as they walked away from it.  She said "Those guys are cheating, they've got Autodelta parts on their car.".

bs

Re: Quoatable Lemons

YesIFit wrote:

Driver: "I'm 99% sure I did not hit him."
Jay: "Please explain to me the 1%."

Driver: "My mom has something to say to you!"
Driver's Mom: "My son was in 6th and left the penalty box in 23rd."
Jay: "Hi Mom, is your son here to win this race?"
Driver's Mom: "Yes, he always wants to win."
Driver: < Facepalm >

Driver: "I was not speeding in the pits!"
Jay: "Where is your speedo?"
Driver: "In a box in my pit. I use my Tach!"
Jay: "Where is your Tach?"
Driver: "In the box with the Speedo but that's not what we are discussing here!"

From Race Control;

Corner Worker: "Race control, this is Turn 8, we have a piece of garbage on the track."
Race Control: "Turn 8, there are 125 pieces of garbage on the track."

Ha, I remember that...

From the same race control:

"Blackflag car #50, have them fix the smoking or give them a can of DEET to pour in the engine"

Team Lost in the Dark
Winner " I got screwed" and "Jay's dream car"
2012 Gulf region champs

Re: Quoatable Lemons

A local TV reporter doing an interview at the track

R - Why do you do this?  What brings you here?

Me - I couldn't think of anything stupider to do this weekend.

Radio chatter at last Buttonwillow race.  The Jag wasn't running right at all for the first half of the race.  There was a white version of the Animal House birthday cake car on track.

Car - "Car feels like it's getting slower"

Pits - "Stay out, parts are on the way"

Car - "Car is getting slower"

Pits - "Stay out"

Car - "That takes the cake, I just got passed by one.  I'm coming in"

1990 RX7 "Mazdarita" 
1994 Jaguar XJ12 (Winner C-Class 2013 Sears Pointless)
1964 Sunbeam Imp (IOE 2013 Sears Pointless)
1980 Rover SD1 (I Got Screwed 2014 Return of Lemonites) (Sold -> Houston.  Gone and forgotten)

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Just remembered one from our first Lemons race when we woefully underestimated our brake needs at Stafford.  The brakes failed headed down the main straight braking for turn 1 and my driver went through the cones and rolled to a stop on the banking, the brakes were on fire at this point.  A corner worker came running over freaking out:

CW: "Your brakes are on FIRE!  Your brakes are on FIRE!!"

Driver - completely deadpan: "Yes sir I understand that, perhaps you could use that shiny red can and put them out for me?"

Tom Lomino - Proud to be a 18x Lemons Loser, 2x Class B, and 1x IOE Winner!
Craptain, Team Farfrumwinnin - 1993 Volkswagen Fox #14 (painted like a Ur Quattro)
Click here to "Like" us on Facebook   Click here for our Youtube Videos
Lifetime Achievement (of hoplessness) Award Winners

38 (edited by Fishah 2012-09-04 04:08 PM)

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Quote by Phil as one of our drivers pulls into the penalty box:

"You've interrupted my tasty bacon snack with your bad driving".

My drivers response as to why he went down the wrong part of track:

"Well it was a shortcut..."
--

Oh and just for fun, I've got the whole thing on video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGClCNmbiOc&hd=1

13x Lemons Loser
Class B winner - 2013 Road America (#33 Festiva - We Are Not Really From Iran)

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Teammate after being asked if we really need 17" wheels on the diesel chevette ...
"Wheels?.......we don't need brakes...."

Carbon footprint diesel chevette: IOE Gingerman '11, ClassC winner Autobahn, 13
Isuzu iMark diesel: IOE Gingerman'13
Chrysler Cordoba: Organizers Choice Barber '14

Re: Quoatable Lemons

"A couple more zip ties and this job will be done!".

Cars, cameras, and easy living...

Re: Quoatable Lemons

GnomeFabTech wrote:

"A couple more zip ties and this job will be done!".

This could be a series wide quote.  I think our car has to be nearing a thousand at this point

Bloomington, IN
We'll bring Beer!  Motorsports
Team Fiery Death! #0 2009 Lamest Day(65th), 2010 American Irony(24th), 2010 Detroit Bull(4th),2012 Capitol Offense (8th) 2012 American Irony (11 th), 2013 Capitol Offense (3rd) 2013 Chubba Chedder (4th, Judge Choice!) Now sadly part of a scrap pile. 
Toothless Racing Deadbeats #110 2011 Summit Point (61st) Currently being rebuilt into the new car!

Re: Quoatable Lemons

When we couldn't figure out what was causing our front end issue on the Fail Shark Aaron sent me back out and said "Give me a couple Simca laps and see how she feels".  Then I caught up to the Simca and was wondering if it was okay to pass it. I was soooooo confused.

Newest member - White Trash Racing
Owner of the Traveling Hat

43 (edited by gravity is optional 2012-09-06 09:04 AM)

Re: Quoatable Lemons

mechimike wrote:

“More fiber is more important than fewer calories. Fiber makes calories go out your butt.”

“Who is that on fire over there? Is that us? Yep that’s us.”

“Only use the brakes if you absolutely have to.”

“The lack of creativity here is staggering. “

“Its amazing how much easier it is for a team to work together when no one has any idea where they’re going”

These had me rotfl lol

If it moves and shouldn't, use Duct Tape.
If it should move and doesn't, use WD-40.
If those don't work, its BROKE!

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Here's some gems from the May 2011 CMP race.

Terminally Confused Capt: Are you Punisher Bass?
Me: Call me Derek.
TC Capt: Hey! Hey! Everyone! This guy! This guy right here is the reason we're doing this right now! He's the one who gave me the idea to do this!
Other TC member: So YOU'RE the reason I've spent $10,000 in the last 6 months on this stuff.
Me: I'm sorry (as I hung my head in shame)

A VERY drunk DC Doug: Wait... what you had over there was bullshit (he begins rooting through the backseat of his car looking for a mason jar of Apple Pie moonshine) here... here... here... now this stuff, this is really really good shit. And now we're gonna stand here and drink it.
Me: Sounds like a plan.

Team Final Gear Crew Chief
#138 1997 Pontiac GTP - Supercharged 3800
#42   1999 Ford P71 Crown Vic

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Cop at summit point after catching me and some friends from team Winwar attempting to drive their Taylor-Dunn on to the track around midnight friday.

Cop: "you boys fixin to get on the track?"

Us: "Ohh no we just got lost driving around the lot."

Cop: "No its ok, go ahead, wanna race???"

.......

Cop: "So you boys gotta answer me something..."

Us: "ok..."

Cop: "Can any of you get 10 pounds of meat out of a fly?"

Us: "uhhh..... we don't know.... I guess...."

Cop: "Wanna try?"  *unzips his fly for us.

Tom Lomino - Proud to be a 18x Lemons Loser, 2x Class B, and 1x IOE Winner!
Craptain, Team Farfrumwinnin - 1993 Volkswagen Fox #14 (painted like a Ur Quattro)
Click here to "Like" us on Facebook   Click here for our Youtube Videos
Lifetime Achievement (of hoplessness) Award Winners

Re: Quoatable Lemons

TheEngineer in another thread:

"i lose tools like it's my job."

Re: Quoatable Lemons

"Oh... we should have told you about that."  Repeated numerous times by my first A&D team.

Examples:
Me - "Does it make a lot of tire noise or am I just pushing it too hard?"
Team - "Oh... we should have told you about that."

Me - "It was making a *clunk* noise from the left front suspension sometimes when unloading that corner."
Team - "Oh... we should have told you about that."

smile

A&D: 2011 Autobahn, 2012 Gingerman, 2012 Road America, 2012 Autobahn II, 2013 Gator-O-Rama (True 24!)
Sir Jackie Stewart's Coin Purse Racing
2013 Chubba Cheddar Enduro - Organizer's Choice, 2014 Doing Time in Joliet
http://www.facebook.com/#!/SirJackieSte … urseRacing

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Racin_G73 wrote:

"Oh... we should have told you about that."  Repeated numerous times by my first A&D team.

Examples:
Me - "Does it make a lot of tire noise or am I just pushing it too hard?"
Team - "Oh... we should have told you about that."

Me - "It was making a *clunk* noise from the left front suspension sometimes when unloading that corner."
Team - "Oh... we should have told you about that."

smile

Related converstaion:

Noob (very excited, it's her first hot lap ever, after all): The check engine is on! The check engine light is on! Should I come in? I'm coming in! (no pause for breath)
TetanusHQ: Deep breath, that's normal!

I'm the doctor who is a wife. Which makes the grease hard to explain to my patients... www.tetanusneon.com.

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Dr Wife: "Ignore all instruments, they sometimes work, but then you'll BELIEVE what they say, and that my friend is the way to disaster."
Me: "uh, okey dokey."

Dr. Wife wrote:
Racin_G73 wrote:

"Oh... we should have told you about that."  Repeated numerous times by my first A&D team.

Examples:
Me - "Does it make a lot of tire noise or am I just pushing it too hard?"
Team - "Oh... we should have told you about that."

Me - "It was making a *clunk* noise from the left front suspension sometimes when unloading that corner."
Team - "Oh... we should have told you about that."

smile

Related converstaion:

Noob (very excited, it's her first hot lap ever, after all): The check engine is on! The check engine light is on! Should I come in? I'm coming in! (no pause for breath)
TetanusHQ: Deep breath, that's normal!

The J-Body retirement season - prepare for a Swedish challenger!

2007/2012/2013 Driver's Championship (what was I thinking!?) 77 races and counting...

50 (edited by curlypaul924 2012-09-09 08:25 AM)

Re: Quoatable Lemons

"I heard you have a blown motor.  Can we borrow it?"
"For what?"
"We want to use it as a ballast."

"What was that screaming last night?  Something about a welding stick stuck up someone's ass?"
"That was me, when I fell and got a welding stick stuck up my ass."

"These are some of the crappiest cars ever made.  I still say it's class C"
"But what if they win?"

"Hey, are you using a sawzall on that master cylinder?"
"Yep."

"For this penalty, we're going to do a three-legged race --"
"I have a pacemaker."
"For this penalty, we're going to do a three-legged walk..."