Topic: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

A great contest idea and its even better that they have posted the essays online.  Hilarious.

I have to say my early favorite is the translated Czech essay.  Did someone really write it in Czech and run it through babelfish?  Or was it written in English, translated to Czech and back into English? 

"The original title of this book was 'Jimmy James, Capitalist Lion Tamer' but I see now that it's... 'Jimmy James, Macho Business Donkey Wrestler'... you know what it is... I had the book translated in to Japanese then back in again into English. Macho Business Donkey Wrestler... well there you go... it's got kind of a ring to it don't it?"


I also like Jeff Bloch's entry focusing on the cheating immunity clause.  Who wouldn't want to see a burbling V8 AWD Rally Wartburg?

It would be fun to see some guys do something freak-tacular to it.

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

Macho Business Donkey Wrestler would be a great team name.

1978 AMC Pacer - The Blue Flag Special
BFE GP '12 - IOE
BFE GP '13 - Co-Organizer's Choice w/ Speed Holes Wrenching

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

Thanks, Stevo. Something tells me the LeMons guys aren't really all that interested in seeing the Wart restored and trailered to car shows. It needs to be the baddest car on the track, regardless of the threat of the dreaded Curse. Hmm, will the Mark VIII's DOHC 4.6 fit in that engine bay? Where the heck is the tape measure anyway? Ah, screw it, nothing my plasma cutter can't handle...

Jeff Bloch

Captain: Speedycop & The Gang Of Outlaws -'94 Mark VIII (Least Horrible Yank Tank Stafford '09, NOLA '10) '61 Caddy (Org Choice-NL '09) '63 Tbird (EPIC Repair Failure-Gingerman '10, I Got Screwed-Summit Pt '10, I.O.E. WINNER Stafford '10!) '77 Lancia Scorpion (I.O.E. WINNER Joliet 2010!) '67 Galaxie 500 (Judges Choice-CMP '11)
Future Fleet: 1957 Ford Prefect 1942 Buick 1959 Bugeye Project GLCOAT

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

As part of the ms.fortunecookie and suzanneandmary bunch, I can most assuredly assure you that the Wartburg would make quick use of the BS exemption if placed in our hands.

You know how beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes straight to the bone? Well, I'll leave you with that.

Captainess: #88 Scirocket Racing - Did someone say Pikachu?

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

This just in from the Wartburg's current owner:

"Because this Wartburg Contest seems to have taken on a life of its own, and because we realize our responsibility to deliver the goods, we have cleverly immobilized it with a Suzanne Sommers' Thigh Master [don't ask how] and it is being guarded around the clock by Krusty, the neighborhood neutered tomcat."

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

I floated an idea for a theme past Ms. Fortune Cookie.  Here's her response, "Nazi Hookers????! I was thinking more along the lines of Fraulein Beer babes. Dang! You guys play for keeps!"

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

Nazi hookers would require a guy to play the role of Max Mosley. Or whichever one of those F1 idiots was caught shacking up.....

Hey.... We could have a Max Mosley wannabe context!

Captainess: #88 Scirocket Racing - Did someone say Pikachu?

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

atomicalex wrote:

Nazi hookers would require a guy to play the role of Max Mosley. Or whichever one of those F1 idiots was caught shacking up.....

Hey.... We could have a Max Mosley wannabe context!

they had the max mosley penalty at one of the races.  maybe they could bring it back new and improved 'now with real nazi hookers!'

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

TEAM POLICE BRUTALITY has decided to become proactive in the quest for the affliction of the giant Wart. We have purchased a complete, low mileage 1980 Oldsmobole Toronado for the princely sum of $200. The FWD 350 V8 and automatic transaxle will tuck nicely into the rear of the Wartburg, and the uber-simple carbureted setup should create reliable LeMons power (*should* being the operative word). Now all we'll need is another reliable drivetrain for the front, in order to create the first twin-engined LeMons competitor. Hmm, where can I get such a drivetrain? Lemme think. Oh yeah! I've got several complete FWD GM's sitting in the backyard that run perfectly! Only tough call is choosing between the $200 Lumina (3100) and the free Lesabre (3800). Has there ever been a 14 cylinder race car in ANY series? I think not. Somebody let Guinness know, it's going in the record books.

No rolling chicane for us. We are gonna be INSANELY fast on the straights.  smile

Pics to come tomorrow night, when I tow the Toronado home.

Captain: Speedycop & The Gang Of Outlaws -'94 Mark VIII (Least Horrible Yank Tank Stafford '09, NOLA '10) '61 Caddy (Org Choice-NL '09) '63 Tbird (EPIC Repair Failure-Gingerman '10, I Got Screwed-Summit Pt '10, I.O.E. WINNER Stafford '10!) '77 Lancia Scorpion (I.O.E. WINNER Joliet 2010!) '67 Galaxie 500 (Judges Choice-CMP '11)
Future Fleet: 1957 Ford Prefect 1942 Buick 1959 Bugeye Project GLCOAT

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

I think the Wartburg should go to the team that promises to install the largest number of engines. How about four motorcycle engines, one per wheel?

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

The ladies have a plan. At this time, it does not involve multiple engines, but it could. We have already begun exploring suitable drivetrains, and have turned up several. Would you settle for the largest number of engine swaps? We will wear our best Polish Cougar outfits while performing the work. They are more, erm, accessible than the Nazi Hooker ones.

Captainess: #88 Scirocket Racing - Did someone say Pikachu?

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

The ladies may have a plan, but I just spent 4 hours picking up the Toronado with the donor 350 drivetrain for the rear of the Wart. That's not just a plan, that's action. WE WILL RUN TWIN ENGINES with all wheel drive, as long as that works for the LeMons gang.

Oh, and sure, sex sells. I can't blame the girls for taking advantage of that fact. I'm just saying that we hold our own when it comes to bringing eye ca, um, lovely young ladies to LeMons events:
http://s85.photobucket.com/albums/k52/E … Mons%20CT/
(scroll down)

Murilee, we are hoping you guys will be satisfied with the most engines ever (2) and the most cylinders ever (14). That's our plan, and it isn't any tentative, conceptual one. We have both complete donor drivetrains ready RIGHT NOW, at my house. The MIG and the plasma cutter are standing by... wink

Captain: Speedycop & The Gang Of Outlaws -'94 Mark VIII (Least Horrible Yank Tank Stafford '09, NOLA '10) '61 Caddy (Org Choice-NL '09) '63 Tbird (EPIC Repair Failure-Gingerman '10, I Got Screwed-Summit Pt '10, I.O.E. WINNER Stafford '10!) '77 Lancia Scorpion (I.O.E. WINNER Joliet 2010!) '67 Galaxie 500 (Judges Choice-CMP '11)
Future Fleet: 1957 Ford Prefect 1942 Buick 1959 Bugeye Project GLCOAT

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

Speedycop wrote:

The ladies may have a plan, but I just spent 4 hours picking up the Toronado with the donor 350 drivetrain for the rear of the Wart. That's not just a plan, that's action. WE WILL RUN TWIN ENGINES with all wheel drive, as long as that works for the LeMons gang.

Murilee, we are hoping you guys will be satisfied with the most engines ever (2) and the most cylinders ever (14). That's our plan, and it isn't any tentative, conceptual one. We have both complete donor drivetrains ready RIGHT NOW, at my house. The MIG and the plasma cutter are standing by... wink

I guess I'm just stumped as to why you need a car given to you.  You seem to have plenty of  resources.   Money, equipment, time, experience.  Is there some particular reason that your plan is unworkable without a handout?  Excuse me, why your ACTION is unworkable without a free car and a judicial wink.

I'd just as soon the old guys with the bucket list got it over your humorless entry.  Unless "hold our own...eye ca." was intentionally funny.

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

The Wartburg was designed to bring joy and harmony to the planet... you guys bickering is harshing Warty's mello. sad

Drat! And Double Drat!

15 (edited by Speedycop 2009-08-26 10:06 PM)

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

suzanneandmary wrote:

I guess I'm just stumped as to why you need a car given to you.  You seem to have plenty of  resources.   Money, equipment, time, experience.  Is there some particular reason that your plan is unworkable without a handout?  Excuse me, why your ACTION is unworkable without a free car and a judicial wink.

I'd just as soon the old guys with the bucket list got it over your humorless entry.  Unless "hold our own...eye ca." was intentionally funny.

I may not have my teammates and friends posting "give it to us", but as this is a contest, we do want to win. There's only one place I know of to get a free '58 Wartburg, and this is it. As we are hopelessly addicted to LeMons (4 races in our first year alone, with plans for many more next year), and we do in fact have the equipment and skills necessary to make it really friggin cool, we'd naturally want to make the most of it. The Toronado appeared on CL with an ideal engine setup to put in the rear of the Wartburg. I jumped on it for $200. If that makes me too wealthy to win a free car, I guess no LeMons competitor is worthy.

Please don't make this personal. It's a friendly competition. Besides, it would appear your team has greater resources and funding than I, my unemployed cousin, my broke lawn-mowing 20 y/o buddy, and his debt-laden dad possess:

ms.fortunecookie wrote:

I have an 800 square foot 5 car garage, and currently only 4 project cars are housed therein, so technically, I do have a roof to put over the fair-fifty something Fraulein. She'd be in good company with a JPS Europa that hasn't run in over 15 years, a 65 Tiger that hasn't even been started since hubby drove it home 8 years ago, an 80 something mustang in the middle of a V8 engine swap  and my Miata spec racer...

Also, this is an essay contest, not a popularity contest, or a who's-got-the-most-money/tools/experience /resources contest. Maybe my essay is nowhere near good enough, but it wasn't humorless:

Speedycop wrote:

...Handling was adequate, as long as you didn't turn left or right, and stayed below 30 mph. Power was sufficient, as long as the surface was flat, there was no wind, and you didn't plan to exceed the previously stated safe handling speed. Braking was the Wartburg's strong suit. The precision drum brakes could stop it from 25 mph in less than two city blocks.

Armed with such revolutionary technology, raw power, and superior handling/braking abilities, the fearsome and highly sought-after Wartburg is the ultimate endurance road racing candidate. But alas, very few were ever smuggled into the United States, as East Germany preferred to keep their little supercar's abilities a secret. Race teams have searched high and low for this exceedingly rare automotive treasure, with nary a hint of success...
...until now! The ultra wealthy powers-that-be at the ritzy 24 Hours Of LeMons penthouse headquarters have not only unearthed a pristine example of this coveted gem, they are willing to present it to some lucky endurance road racing team for FREE! Any cost to enter this magnificent Wartburg 311 sedan in the race of the winner's choosing? Nein! Penalty laps for those without integrity, who would venture to spend more than the allotted $500 in a paltry attempt to wring even more performance from the 311? Nyet! How can this be? This would be akin to simultaneously winning the Mega Millions Jackpot, the Powerball, and getting intimate favors from all three Jessica's (Biel, Alba, AND Simpson)!...

I don't care who ya are, that's funny right there. smile

You ladies want the car? So do we. You claim the ability to make it competitive? So do we. This contest is all in good fun, just like the race itself. Let's keep it that way, shall we?
To reiterate the Rodney King quote on the hood of our Lincoln, "Can't we all just get along"?

Captain: Speedycop & The Gang Of Outlaws -'94 Mark VIII (Least Horrible Yank Tank Stafford '09, NOLA '10) '61 Caddy (Org Choice-NL '09) '63 Tbird (EPIC Repair Failure-Gingerman '10, I Got Screwed-Summit Pt '10, I.O.E. WINNER Stafford '10!) '77 Lancia Scorpion (I.O.E. WINNER Joliet 2010!) '67 Galaxie 500 (Judges Choice-CMP '11)
Future Fleet: 1957 Ford Prefect 1942 Buick 1959 Bugeye Project GLCOAT

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

krek wrote:

The Wartburg was designed to bring joy and harmony to the planet... you guys bickering is harshing Warty's mello. sad

No bickering was intended, just good-natured rivalry. If we didn't have competitive natures, we wouldn't be trying to win a non-running 41 y/o car to be rebuilt and run in endurance road races. My apologies to the ladies and the board if my posts were taken as anything else... wink

Captain: Speedycop & The Gang Of Outlaws -'94 Mark VIII (Least Horrible Yank Tank Stafford '09, NOLA '10) '61 Caddy (Org Choice-NL '09) '63 Tbird (EPIC Repair Failure-Gingerman '10, I Got Screwed-Summit Pt '10, I.O.E. WINNER Stafford '10!) '77 Lancia Scorpion (I.O.E. WINNER Joliet 2010!) '67 Galaxie 500 (Judges Choice-CMP '11)
Future Fleet: 1957 Ford Prefect 1942 Buick 1959 Bugeye Project GLCOAT

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

Speedycop, now those last two comments are much better.  I wasn't referring to your original entry as humorless, only the tone of the comment on this thread that I quoted.  There was a very strong Charles Emerson Winchester III vibe. 

Personally, I'm glad it's not a popularity contest.  If it was, I'm fairly certain the son of Mr. Lam's fiance would have it in the bag. wink

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

Speedycop wrote:

My apologies to the ladies and the board if my posts were taken as anything else... wink

Dude... two for flinching.

Drat! And Double Drat!

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

Man, you guys are ruining my "Sisters of the Iron Curtain" vibe here....... wink

I fully support the idea of running a GM powertrain, but you guys sound like you are up for a bigger challenge than a Toronado swap.... if you win it, I want to see some copper-cooled power in there!! You know, for the sake of being challenged.... tongue

Captainess: #88 Scirocket Racing - Did someone say Pikachu?

20 (edited by Speedycop 2009-08-31 10:47 AM)

Re: Wartburg Kibitzing Thread

When I went to pick up the Toronado the other day, it turned out that the 4 years of sitting had caused the 350 to lock up! A quick bit of haggling, and it was ours for $100, instead of the $200 we had agreed on over the phone. A $10 can of Seafoam Deep Creep and several days of soaking all 8 cylinders later, I'm pleased to report that it's freed up and unharmed. I knew the mileage was too good to be true; it's got 138k, not 38k as the seller claimed. Oh well. He's 18, and has much to learn about cars, like the fact that odometers in older cars generally start over at 100k.

Will it lessen our chances of winning if we did keep it under budget? Seems like we are only gonna have $300 in both drivetrains, and the car is free. Even with materials, I don't know how much use of the BS exemption we'll actually make. It would be nice to have a 14 cylinder, all-wheel-drive race car built within the LeMons specs. That would keep the other teams from whining about us being "allowed" to cheat, and would ease our BS inspections at future races.

Not that any LeMons competitors would ever whine.

Captain: Speedycop & The Gang Of Outlaws -'94 Mark VIII (Least Horrible Yank Tank Stafford '09, NOLA '10) '61 Caddy (Org Choice-NL '09) '63 Tbird (EPIC Repair Failure-Gingerman '10, I Got Screwed-Summit Pt '10, I.O.E. WINNER Stafford '10!) '77 Lancia Scorpion (I.O.E. WINNER Joliet 2010!) '67 Galaxie 500 (Judges Choice-CMP '11)
Future Fleet: 1957 Ford Prefect 1942 Buick 1959 Bugeye Project GLCOAT