Topic: Quoatable Lemons

"Real race car drivers" get quotes all the time. You know, "Simplify, then add lightness", or the classic one about the addiction of heroin and racing.

There have been many here as well, and I wish I had made notes of them. Evil John had one about mythical umbrella girls and another about a car's top speed. I know Spank has added some great ones and CrazyMike too, and of course Pete.

Anyway, I'll make more effort to collect them and will add them to this thread. Feel free to add your favorites.

Approximate, from memory, will try to find the source: "Racing is a stupid thing to do, so it should be fun. And if it is for fun, it should be cheap." - Jay

Mine for today -"There is no such thing as a free carburetor, and that goes double for free dual carburetors." - Me (Cleaning these things is a real pain. I just hope they work when I am done with them.)

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Our favorite quote, attributable to the Eldest Tunachucker, Rob:

"This can't not be fun."

We made a list of others, about 2 years ago.  I doubt we've said anything noteworthy since then.  Actually, none of these are particularly noteworthy, but they might be worth a laugh to someone.


“When life hands you Lemons, go racing.”

“More fiber is more important than fewer calories. Fiber makes calories go out your butt.”

“We got no brakes! OK pump them up. STOP pumping, STOP pumping they’re on fire!”

“Who is that on fire over there? Is that us? Yep that’s us.”

“Only use the brakes if you absolutely have to.”

“Next driver change, we’ve got to check the gas and fill the master cylinder.”

“I am NOT spreading that Dana diff again.”

“I had no choice but to go in the grass”.

“THAT came out of the transmission”.

“You can either hold it in fourth and drive with one hand, or just leave it in third and keep an eye on the tach”.

“I think you hit him pretty hard. There are pieces of the Miata in the car”.

“Yeah, I’m 2 seconds a lap slower, but it’s gonna take a lot of laps to make up for that half-hour penalty”.

“I’m surprised it would fire at all with the distributer 180 out”.

“Does any other car here even have points?”

“I wasn’t going to say anything, but, um, I peed in the seat”.

“We can watch the Curse on you-tube, we need to change this engine NOW”.

“1966 Volvo 122. Runs, good brakes, some rust. $500″

“We are doing this. We are so doing this.”

“Bonjour. That’s about all the French I know. Oh, I also know “Citron”, which is apparently the French word for “lemon”, though it sounds suspiciously like “Citroen” to me. Of course, to anyone familiar with French automobiles, that’s probably not a coincidence.”

“How much fun can a tuna chuck?”

“Hey, We Had to Call Ourselves Something….”

“The lack of creativity here is staggering. “

“Its amazing how much easier it is for a team to work together when no one has any idea where they’re going”

“Ran when parked, my ass”

“Fang apple pie stealin good for nuttins”

2008- 2010:  1966 Volvo 122, "Charlie"
2010-present:  1975 Ford LTD Landau...doesn't have a name?

3 (edited by NSF 2012-09-01 07:23 PM)

Re: Quoatable Lemons

One of my favorite quotes is from John Lyons.  John is the bravest person I know, he is my co pilot in the Panamericana Races.

After missing a marker in the route book, and not knowing it, we were on the wrong road.  We slowed a little because the route book was starting not to jive w/ the terrain.  Then it happened, railroad tracks!  At about 70ish we hit them and became airborne, not like the Dukes of Hazard but enough to realize that we were just along for the ride at that point.  It is a funny thing to hear the engine wind up to the red line and have no input to what is happening.   When the car finally landed it bottomed out lurched left and came up just in time to un-do the over-steering that I was pretending to do.   We landed again and the car was pointed straight and the road was straight and we kept going for a mile or so. 

After a long silence and only hearing our hearts in our eardrums John Looked at me and said,
"Putting the brakes on in mid-air doesn't seem to help at all".   


John found a road to get us back on course and guess what our slogan was on the next batch of T shirts?

This space for rent.

Re: Quoatable Lemons

This is one of those comments that make me wish there were a 'like' button here in Lemons land.

Speedycop/NSF Racing /Pinewood Dirtbags
'10 Summit, CMP3, Autobahn, '11 CMP1, NJMP, CMP2, Summit, G'man, Stafford, Charlotte, Autobahn, ECR '12 CMP1, NJMP, G'man, NHMS1, Summit, CMP2, NHMS2, ECR, '13 CMP1, ECR, Summit, NJMP, THill, CMP2, MSR, NHMS, Sears '14 Barber, Sears1, ECR, CMP1, NJMP1, BWillow, Sebring, CMP2, THill, Sears2, '15 Sears1, Barber, Ridge, THill, '16 Sears1

Re: Quoatable Lemons

"I can't believe we're still in this f**king truck!" - me 25 hours into a 26 hour tow from Dallas to Nelson Ledges with Brian Pollock, Chris Champion and Joe Smith.
"Red Bull and Trucker Pills, I'm fine!" Joe much earlier the same tow.
"Don't be alarmed, I'm going to be reaching into your crotch... repeatedly." Me to Dan before his first race. Dan was mystified - I hadn't yet fully explained the details of belting someone into a five point restraint system.
"I sent you for an engine, and you bring me this?" Speedy to me, when I delivered the Snake Oil 944 donor engine.

I'm the doctor who is a wife. Which makes the grease hard to explain to my patients...

Re: Quoatable Lemons

"The car seems to be down on power..... ohh and some water seems to be coming out from under the hood on to the windshield" - one of my drivers, over the radio, after grenading the motor at Loudon last year.

"What car are you in so I can crash you off the track?"  - me at NJMP last year after listening to someone sit on an open mic for about 20 minutes over the radio chanting to himself "jesus, jesus, jesus, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod".

Tom Lomino - Proud to be a 18x Lemons Loser, 2x Class B, and 1x IOE Winner!
Craptain, Team Farfrumwinnin - 1993 Volkswagen Fox #14 (painted like a Ur Quattro)
Click here to "Like" us on Facebook   Click here for our Youtube Videos
Lifetime Achievement (of hoplessness) Award Winners

Re: Quoatable Lemons

"It's a perpetual Leggera"

-Me, after noticing some rust holes that were not there at the start of the race.

1978 AMC Pacer - The Blue Flag Special
BFE GP '12 - IOE
BFE GP '13 - Co-Organizer's Choice w/ Speed Holes Wrenching

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Maybe not the best or most memorable, but I wrote these down...

Us: "Hey, Roger.  You wanna be our Crew Chief?"
Roger: "Man, fuck you guys!"

Q: "Does it fit?"
A: "No, of course it doesn't fit."
Cue the sound of an angle grinder

Q: "Did we finish that whole bottle of bourbon last night?"
A: "Yeah.  The rest of the tequila too."

"This SUCKS!" ~ Driver on the radio upon finding out that top speed was limited to about 70mph due to fuel starvation issues.

13X losers (or is 14 now?) refusing to learn from our failures.
Organizer's Choice!  Trophy should have a bottle opener on it.

Re: Quoatable Lemons

"Car's on fire" - me, repeatedly during every build. 

"He'd be in the wall if that were true, tell him to man up."  - Me to one of my teammates (spotting) after our driver called in that he may have lost his brakes. 

"I had a dream last night where Bon Jovi serenaded us with "Blaze of Glory" over and over. 

"We've been driving a car that has been trying to kill us for the last two years, can we pick a better car now?"

"4 cases of beer, 2 bottles of whiskey, and 2 cases of wine.  Yep, ready for the weekend."  There were 4 of us.

--Rob Leone Schumacher Taxi Service
We won the IOE at Southern Discomfort.
We got screwed at The Real Hoopties of New Jersey  and we took cars down with us.
We got the curse at Capitol Offense but they wouldn't let us destroy the car.

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Radio Quotes for us:

Driver: "Is it raining?"

Spotter: "No..... What's the temperature?"

Driver: "Oh shit, I will be right there."

Turned out our front main seal had died, slinging oil all over the place under the hood. lubed the water pump belt enough to reduce cooling. We had water and probably some oil coming out the hood vents onto the windshield.

Quote from a friend "That car is a dead battery away from Pick-A-Part." Referring to a car passing him on the freeway.


#35 LRE
1973 Datsun 240Z

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Personal, and consequently, team motto: "Never give up, never surrender!"

The quintessential Lemons, and consequently, team motto #2:  "What could possibly go wrong?"

The typical response to my new car ideas, a few weeks before a race: "I'm not doing this last-minute build shit again."

Captain: Speedycop & The Gang Of Outlaws -'94 Mark VIII (Least Horrible Yank Tank Stafford '09, NOLA '10) '61 Caddy (Org Choice-NL '09) '63 Tbird (EPIC Repair Failure-Gingerman '10, I Got Screwed-Summit Pt '10, I.O.E. WINNER Stafford '10!) '77 Lancia Scorpion (I.O.E. WINNER Joliet 2010!) '67 Galaxie 500 (Judges Choice-CMP '11)
Future Fleet: 1957 Ford Prefect 1942 Buick 1959 Bugeye Project GLCOAT

12 (edited by FJ40Jim 2012-09-02 12:40 PM)

Re: Quoatable Lemons

"I see no way this plan can go wrong."
"There is no fail in this plan."

Jim C.
If God meant for us to race, we'd all have baggy Nomex skin.
08TMS.09NL.10GM, SP. NL.11SP, NL.12SP, VIR, NL.13GM, NJ.14NJ, VIR, WGI.15AB,16GM...

Re: Quoatable Lemons

"It's also my daily driver, so don't blow it up".

"Real ZomBees prefer Bacon"
IOE(x2) MGB/SAAB 96, Judge's Choice, Class C Win, & 2011 Hooniverse Car of the Year!
MRolla, Stick Figure/Animal House, Free Range MR2, SAAB Sonett, "The Death Flip"
2008 Exoskeleton Jag Fiasco, Concours d Lemons - Rue Britannia, worse British car.

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Our team motto is "Semper Gumby," which is of course is Latin for Always Flexible.  We even have a toy Gumby holding onto our cage as our mascot.

30 Time Loser with Class C, Index of Effluency, I got Screwed and Heroic Fix Trophies who usually races, according to Car and Driver, The Greatest Road Racing Cherokee in History.

Check out our FB Page and follow our various exploits.

15 (edited by RichVS 2012-09-02 03:21 PM)

Re: Quoatable Lemons

-Aaron of Speed-Holes

"Blue Cheese really is the bacon of cheeses"
-Adrian of Faster Farms.

"I'm freezing, my whole team is asleep, and this rain/snow stuff stinks.  Can I just hang here with you guys?"
-Driver of a convertible voluntarily visiting the penalty box, 3am, Reno 2011


Re: Quoatable Lemons

Some of the best I have heard or said on the radio.

"Why the hell can't I get past santa!"
"It's pretty fast, for a boat on a racetrack you know."
"I missed the car overheating. When? About 6 laps ago"

And my favorite up until now was from one of my drivers after night practice at Nelson's.  In the rain.  With essentially candles for headlights.

"That was the scariest thing I have ever done.  I couldn't see, I had no idea where I was, and there were chicken feathers all over the place.  When can I do it again!"

Bloomington, IN
We'll bring Beer!  Motorsports
Team Fiery Death! #0 2009 Lamest Day(65th), 2010 American Irony(24th), 2010 Detroit Bull(4th),2012 Capitol Offense (8th) 2012 American Irony (11 th), 2013 Capitol Offense (3rd) 2013 Chubba Chedder (4th, Judge Choice!) Now sadly part of a scrap pile. 
Toothless Racing Deadbeats #110 2011 Summit Point (61st) Currently being rebuilt into the new car!

Re: Quoatable Lemons

The perennial favorites of the MTR Wartburg campaign

"This car isn't going to build it's self sober..."

"To stupid to quit..."

"DNF is for pussies..."
OTTER: "I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part."
BLUTO: "We're just the guys to do it."

Re: Quoatable Lemons

One of our drivers explaining Judge Phil after spinning out at No Problem Raceway:
"I saw the Loch Ness monster in turn 3"

Re: Quoatable Lemons

May not be funny outside of the Speedy Monzales team, but all bring back vivid memories for us.

Who do I blame for getting me into this racing crap?
We don't need a new engine, just get the emery cloth and some bearings.
BS inspection before giving us C class with 0 laps:  Well, we pretty much know where this is going. - Jay

Penalty Box at 1:30 am
Judge Scott - Your rear end is making a lot of noise.
Driver - Yes.
JS - You going to do something about it?
Driver - Already did.
JS - OK.  Go racing.

Organizer's Choice Award 2011 Heaps in Heart of Texas
IOE 2012 North Dallas Hooptie
2014 ECR Class C WIN;  2015 MSR Class B WIN
Speedy Monzales

Re: Quoatable Lemons

One of our drivers talking to Jay at Autobahn in 2010 after a spin on th North Track...

Jay, "So what happened out there?"

Driver, "I was pushed off and caught the grass and spun."

Jay, "That's it.   It wasn't your fault?"

Driver, "Yeah. That's it!" (getting defensive)

Jay, "C'mon.  You know it's never just the other guy's fault. You can do better than that."

Driver, "So you want a better explanation?!?!" (pissed now)

Jay, "Well...yeah!"

Driver (in his best preacher voice), "I was driving fast and safe minding my own business.  When there was a flash of light, and then the HAND OF GOD reached down and .... WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  (Arms raised) I was spun off the track!!!!!!"

Jay, "Well... Ok then!  I believe you.  Get back out there."

[assembled crowd cheers]

LemonAid - Changing kids lives one lap at a time.

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Still the best exchange I ever witnessed at Lemons:

Judge at BS looking over a cheaty RX-7: "I can hear that you did work to the engine.  You probably even have carbon fiber apex seals in there."

Builder (who owns an RX-7 race shop and makes his living building rotary engines): "What's an apex seal?"

--Rob Leone Schumacher Taxi Service
We won the IOE at Southern Discomfort.
We got screwed at The Real Hoopties of New Jersey  and we took cars down with us.
We got the curse at Capitol Offense but they wouldn't let us destroy the car.

Re: Quoatable Lemons

A few classics:

"Bragging about winning Lemons is like bragging about cleaning your toilet twice in one day"


1978 AMC Pacer - The Blue Flag Special
BFE GP '12 - IOE
BFE GP '13 - Co-Organizer's Choice w/ Speed Holes Wrenching

23 (edited by TheEngineer 2012-09-04 06:29 AM)

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Waiting in line for BS inspection at Loudon 2012 Jay came up to us and said
"We're giving you class C zero laps again. So unless you really want to go get yelled at by Phil i think you can just push this back to your garage."

When i came in a couple hours into the race for a black flag
"This thing is still running?!!" - Jay

Teammate - "that doesn't sound good...."
Me - "Hooray Rod Knock!"
Car coming in with it's engine finally dead 1 hour before the end of day 1 at loudon 2012.

My personal response to any hair-brained idea someone comes up with for "improving" the car
"I can see no possible way this will go wrong."

But my absolute favorite quote was someone admiring our car in may. They were complementing our cage, and then most elegantly manged to insult the car at the same time by saying:
"I think the only way to describe this is that it's like putting breast implants on the worlds ugliest woman."

14 Time Loser FutilityMotorsport
2008 Saab 9-5Aero Wagon
Retired - 1989 Dodge Daytona Shelby 2011-2015 "Lifetime Award for Lack of Achievement" IOE, 3X I got screwed, Organizer's Choice

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Oh. we've got plenty of time to get the car done before the race...

The Roto-Racer '89 Merkur:  If it ain't rusting, It ain't racing.

'14 Real Hoopties of NJ: Judges Choice

Re: Quoatable Lemons

Some random pair of racers admiring the first iteration of the "Bee":

"See, we've been doing it wrong.  Why are we spending hours cutting plastic clips off of the car to save weight when we could weld a bunch a metal to the back!"

Apparently my name is really "Craigers".  Who knew?
We might be yellow, but at least we are slow