The 24 Hours of Lemons proudly announces its first and likely last Win-a-Wartburg contest!

The contest rules are simple. Entrants must write an essay describing why they should be given a free 1958 Wartburg 311 sedan. Post your essays in this thread or email them to All entries must be received by September 1, 2009.

The winner will receive a 1958 Wartburg 311 sedan, which will be delivered to the Lamest Day at Nelson Ledges on October 3-4, 2009 (from where the winner must retrieve it). Wartburg was an East German manufacturer that was less famous than Trabant, and was noted in the 1950s for featuring an engine with only seven moving parts. What could possibly go wrong?

But that's not all! If the Wartburg is entered in a future Lemons race, it will be automatically accepted, given free entry, and will receive ZERO B.S. LAPS! So all of you whiners, ahem, legitimate enquirers who ask about guaranteed entry to races and how to avoid B.S. penalties, here is your clear answer. And if you've ever wanted to cheat with impunity, here's your chance! (Just keep in mind the Wartburg is NOT exempt from the People's Curse, and the joke will still be on you if you don't get cursed because you just dumped a bunch of money into a 1958 Wartburg.)

The winner is responsible for hauling this fine machine away from Nelson. No, it doesn't run, but the current owner assures us this is the way it left the factory. A title? Ha!

This could be YOU:

Good luck--you'll need it!

Non-essay posts in this thread will be deleted--if you want to chat about the Wartburg, just start another thread in this forum.


HOLY $%^&!  I need this car BADLY.  First off, we have a two car garage at the house which on one side is the 1984 BMW e30 Lemons car decorated with "Another S@#$ty E30" all over it AND all of its spare parts therefore her car sits outside.  Anyway, we're getting married this fall and the fiancee is having a minor melt down about the POS Lemons car being there.  If this were to show up and be planted in the driveway as the next Lemons car the reaction would be atomic...and captured on video.  I'm just say this has YouTube hiliarty written all over.  So evil, so perfect.

Mark McElwain


I should get it because I have warts and hate the band 311 for murdering the Cure’s Lovesong.

Jeremy Lennard


I deserve to win because I promise not to hoick in an LS1, fuzzy dice and chrome 22's.

Geoff Kirkpatrick


I deserve to win this car because nothing in my life has gone right anyway.

This would be just another reason to grab a beer and feel sorry for myself.

Thank you for your consideration.

BMW 6 Series ... "All Bitched Out!"


I've always wanted an excuse to use my "My Other Car Is a Wartburg"  bumper sticker and I could if I won. I'm not trying to be critical,but I think that a 1 yer supply of 'Dr. Scholl's Wart Remover' would have been a more appropriate companion prize to the Wartburg. When my East German mail order bride shows up,I would also like to be able to pick her up in a Wartburg to make her feel more at home. The Wartburg is pretty much the only thing missing that would make my life complete.

Alan Rutter


What a beauty!!  Two words...  BARRETT JACKSON!! 
I will throw a cage in it, get it running (SOMEHOW), race it in one LeMon race (if possible) and then take it to BARRETT JACKSON where all the money raised will be put back in to my LeMon racing addiction. 
<fingers crossed I don't win!>

We are the people your parents warned you about.


I'd race it in a Lemons race. enough said



I would love to take this fine relic off your hands!!! Why? Ever since of hearing about the Lemons races, entering this funtastic competition has been added to my Bucket List of things to do before I check out of this world.

Why do I need this 311 sedan? Let me give you a couple legit reasons and one non-legit reason. It is up to you to determine which of the two are truths, and which is a BIG FAT LIE:

1) My cylinder index (total number of cylinders owned in my household) is embarrassing low for a 44 year old male.
  Pretty sad when I have to stoop so low to count the lawnmower engine to up the Cylinder Index count due to the lack of 6 and 8 cylinder car engines.  Free Wartburg would up my cylinder count!

2) With recently diagnosed hematoma & lymphoma of the spleen, liver and left testicle, my time is limited to check Lemons off my Bucket List.

3) My frugal wife does not understand (among other male characteristics) the need to spend money on a junker, entry fee and travel cost for a once in a lifetime event such as Lemons.

OK. That's my story. If I win, I will be there to pick up the dinosaur and restore (under $500) to runnable condition.
I will represent this vehicle well in competition.

Thanks for the opportunity to dream of hitting the lottery!

Will Kaye


Unlike the other entrees I own no car, not for thirty years since a ’41 Nash. Had a Kaw H1, stolen in 1980. Otherwise I own nothing. Being a red bone all property is owned by the wife, this PC being the most valuable thing in these three small rooms in Greenwich Village. Went to Brands Hatch racing school back in ’78 (Jim Russell in ’72) and as my times got short so did my money. Life off the track (unless listening to Mahler etc. or out in nature) is just existing.

Marc Felix


The Judges deserve the damn Wartburg because SOMEBODY crushed our orange bus...

"This is the scene where I get shot," Bronson said. "I have these little squibs that explode to make it look like bullets are hitting." "Fascinating," said Bergman. "I never knew how they did that." "You mean," asked Bronson, "you don't use machine guns in your movies?"


Myself and team Dragon Somethin' - should win this wartburg for one reason- we will enter it in the Lemons next year. Think- Meine Kleine Buzzbomb via Deathrace 2000.

Dan Jauch

13 (edited by jimeditorial 2009-08-04 06:39 PM)


Surely no one deserves this fine automobile more than a proud citizen of an apparently (according to Rush) Socialist nation, it deserves to return to a place safe for mindless bureaucrats, impossible Red tape (get it?) civil servants who just don't give a damn, prohibited firearms, State Controlled Medicine and the Metric System, a known act of Cold War subversion designed to cripple mechanics and enthusiasts in all 50 states....AND not 10 kilometers from where I write this, a mountain of Castro's finest cane sugar sits in a bond warehouse in segregation to keep it apart from sugar destined for America (this part is actually true) proving our stubborn desire to trade with the last bastion of Communism in the Western Hemisphere....Lada, Dacia, Skoda, Renault (OK, they were lousy, not Commie) all sold in Canada right under your Capitalist noses! Ha! Besides, (another true story) I was once picked up by the RCMP for attempting to scale the wrought iron fence surrounding the Soviet Embassy in Ottawa after a dorm February. Only impending frostbite and the desire of the constable to close the door prevented an international incident....PLUS ANOTHER INCREDIBLE BUT TRUE STORY.... my mother was a Communist partizan message runner in Northern Greece during the attempted Red takeover of that nation. Only a compelling letter and from her rich uncle in Chicago and the criminal use of Napalm by U.S. "advisers" convinced her of the dangers of Stalinist brigandage....later shocked by the insane pace of Capitalist Portland Oregon in 1960, she retreated to a textile factory in snowy Toronto, where in late 1962, I was born. The rest is history. For that Wartburg,  America is Guantanamo Bay...for God's sake (a purely secular expression, of course), let me lead it North to the Promised Land, behind my Oakville union-built F-150...President Obama can do it with wrongfully convicted terrorists; you can do it for a wrongfully imported Wartburg.

Yours in Socialism,

Dimitry Anton "Endo" Anderton

Jim "Endo" Anderton
30 years of racing and still not Brambilla.....

14 (edited by suzanneandmary 2009-08-05 05:57 PM)


I am writing in support on Ms. Fortune Cookie.  I'm not sure about her promise to make the offered car a Pink lady.  Also, I have no idea what her tag line means.  "Pucker Up, Fellas!"?  But I may or may not have been one or both of the women in the airport and can report that she did not try to steal my kidney or sell me/us to anybody named Guillome.  With that in mind, please award her that (looking at the picture again to get just the right words) mostly intact (see MIB1 for further explanation) blue sedan.  Right.  Wartburg.

Anyway I got banned by you know who and lost my part-time, 100% commission job in a ten hour period.  Obviously, I have nothing better to do than this.

Edit: I forgot to state that Ms. Fortune Cookie and I are planning to spectate at the Lamest Day while my teammate from Team Trailing Throttle Oversteer competes with her team of Michigan friends.  I'm sure my Mazda6 can pull a trailer carrying that little beauty.



Ok, look hear you sick ,warped ,screwed up, messed up, buckets of cow dung. There is no way in my right mind that I would take that rolling piece of dog crap and claim it as mine. I don't care if that thing came with a trunk full of money and a back seat full of hookers. I don't have any friends now and you expect me to drag that Hitler sucking rust heap to my house. Are you out of your friggin mind? That concentration camp on wheels just screams that you are not getting layed. I would get kicked out of the PTA if they knew I owned that cesspool on tires and that is the only place I can pick up chicks. Is your goal in life to make me a marter? Do you get some sick thrill out of watching the cops mess with me? I DON'T THINK SO!!!!!! So you can take that 4 doored swastica loving  pimple on the ass of the world and put it where the sun don't shine!! Signed Yours truely Rick from Tampa.


Consent of the author to read only all (in Czech):
Já, autor fotografie automobilu Wartburg model 311, který byl po?ízen 23. srpna 2003 na Labské Eurocenter rallye, tento uvol?uji jako volné a ve?ejné dílo za podmínek GNU Free Documentation License.
Vladimír Krupka ( is by phil obrien)
Friends of mine: Meres & Guzewicz (311) Team - Polska
& Solarz & Solarz (311) Team - Polska
The beginnings dream coming to be...

      It was 1981, and further in March to less than two months Baccalaureate. As it later turned matura was less important a priority. In one March Sunday, with the insistence of my father went in to watch amateur rajdowców struggle in a nearby military unit, where it was located a few attempts sport. Despite the fact that has long interested in rajdami, the first time I was on KJS'ie (Horse Competition Car) on the so-called. popularce - I like it.

      After returning home I began to wonder if they do this to also start in these professions.

      For some time I was a happy owner inherited my father's white Wartburg 311 in 1981, but did not even think to use the car to play in "Rajdowa".

      I had to sleep with all kr???cymi ideas in my head and I knew the very next day, however, vehicle ownership, change in rajdówk?. After consultation with the father of this idea and do not see the opposition, started to develop a plan of action.

      The transformation of white Wartburg ...

      Of the next car in the garage has already been prepared for change. At the first fire went the entire interior, all in the form of unnecessary kilograms dywaników, upholstery, rear bench - have been removed and thrown on the shelf. Later wymalowane interior is white. Then I had to invent something to improve the performance of the car.

      After many painstaking search for information on tuning two-stroke engines on the Internet, books, which I did not find anything that I could help. I decided to have recourse to their knowledge and experience neighbor-mechanic. The plan was such as to burnish block all channels in the engine, Intake and exhaust collector. Head was designed for 3mm which allowed to obtain a greater degree of compression. The exhaust system was made up from now on only the first of the silencer, then went straight to the end of the pipe at the ends of the two completed, which was later converted into a tube with a diameter of 55 mm.

      Since in the meantime I had to prepare for the school-leaving examination I could not spend as much time in the garage unless I wanted to, but even sitting on the books I thought what would be changed.

      After playing with the engine came time for the suspension, which was simply too soft and too high. The decision was easy, you need to shorten the spring, and it utwardzaæ. Helped in this angle grinder, rubber rings and the hardening of springs. In addition, all socket springs have been reinforced with obspawane. As a result of the treatment of auto whole fell 6 cm. In parallel, has been replaced by a new braking system.

      The next step was to ensure autu such as visual appearance, the choice fell on the pee-pee color. It started with szpachlowanie, sanding and finally painting.

      The effect was remarkable, and the car looked as if he left the factory. In the middle instead of the original strips have appeared Rajdowa braces, that have later been found very useful.

      After several weeks of painstaking work, it is time for the first driving test. Just a little adjustment and you can move the carburettor. I went with my future co-pilot on a passenger seat, after pissing a few hundred meters, we could not go with admiration. This was not the same car, dynamics and speed allow to know about yourself. Now is the time for the secondary school certificate ...

      First off ...

      When you rely Leaving Certificate, a former holiday vacation came after a long awaited moment, our first start in popularce. My pilot was a friend from the yard, and loves the automotive rallies. Both were "Greens" in the subject rajdów amateur, but quickly odnale?li?my in that environment. Not jechali?my with the intention of winning, but only to play well and feel the adrenaline. When you come to the place off wzbudzili?my substantial interest among fans and the other off. Had not occurred to anyone to start Wartburgiem. We were the first!

      We have received the necessary documents, the test car we went, and start breather. When you arrive at the first place we see a lot of fans, stress can know about yourself, helmets on their heads, three, two, one, start. We go, the pilot dictates fragments routes, 120% concentration, the gas in the ground and meta. Somehow it go. The first attempt for us. Congratulations on the success of the journey. There's eight tries. The first rally in completed, the auto passed the exam, my, too. We returned home happy and very tired, but already planned the next start.

      By the end of elimination of all drivers zaliczyli?my Year organized by the Automobile Club of Wroc?aw. ?cigali?my in rain, snow, mud, not auto or refused to obey immediately.

      Another year, another adventure ...

      After winter break, the move was in the area. He started a new series of drivers Year. Of course pojawili?my are already on the first elimination, which ended with the unfortunate for our car. On one test, after a fairly long straight there was 180 st relapse, so no go, straight, toward relapse, dohamowanie light, turn the steering wheel, hand carry and I feel that pull away from the ground, two turnovers in the air and lands on the roof . Being that of light scratches, but for our car to the end. It turned out that one of the wheels were too low air pressure, which led to the call of the tires on the rims. We return to the house, niepocieszeni from the market, but very excited for this.

      Three days later at my house Wartburg and another was again performed the same job, separator engine, suspension, brakes. But there was something else, appeared inside the safety cage. This gave us a better sense of security and allow for the crossing of borders. We felt safe.

      Subsequent takeoffs provide higher doses of adrenaline, we began to travel around the KJS'y Lower Silesia (Swidnica, Strzelin, Wa?brzych, Sobotka), but at some point something has come to be wrong. On one of the training zatar? one of the cylinders. After dismantling the engine, it turned out that at one of the missing rings of pistons and piston in itself was a bit zmasakrowany. The decision sets out all three pistons, with rings. Fortunately, it turned out that the grinding engine block was not necessary. Once submitted, all auto je?dzi?o as before the accident, but not for long. We have several consecutive popularkach until it began to re-issues, struggling, flooding candles. For anything to have passed the continuous exchange of candles, a high-voltage wires, coils, ignition setting, it could not be reached, which is not as they should. After a painstaking search for the cause of the problem, it has been found guilty of everything that was fuel. After rinsing the tank and the entire layout of the problem stopped. But now a new problem appeared, started off on the missing money, was not time to bury in the car. Although we had several sponsors are not enough funds. And what a difficult decision, it's time to finish the adventure rajdowaniem.

      With regret I looked like in September 2003 leaving my rajdowy Wartburg lawecie to Katowice on to a new owner

... butt wait!

The whole history of my number two Wartburgiem started by friends of the study, which started off in the Fiat Seicento KJS'ach jury that is driving the car - a rajdowym events. Rehearsals are held between pacho?kami or in the streets and parking lots, or less frequently on the road as a public road sections.

             I stated as my younger brother that would be cool to see po?ciga? as "the only true mark" da along with other autami. However, one could buy Wartburg, because of my personal injury to the mosque. There was a problem. The lack of funds ... But something slowly nazbiera?em these 500z? and upatrzy?em Fure at the allegro. After agreement with the owner and details of the note that is not fully efficient when it drove nearly 200km one way. The plan was that, come on its own feet. On the spot appeared to our eyes as well maintained dukeebraun 311, 1958. After half a day fighting a bit lit up and went. "Okay, we take." Happy it went our way back home. Fortunately, however, did not last long because after 20km previously charged battery is dead because it was not charging ... I ended the ride on its own feet. Further to the 180km journey to the hall, at night, without heating, in winter, and charging the battery at 20min, although some items to the light. Back lasted only 6 hours.

             The first rally was "on its", which is in Rzeszów. In aucie went for treatment to what was obvious: the suspension down, better tires - another expense, and, of course, because the other engine which had been previously cracked pistons, and a placenta rozwalone gurdy. Funding for start of the course, took his own pocket.

             It is KJS'a days. Pilot was my brother. On the site was no longer surprised to see the audience and players, the Wartburg starts. Stress was, but when we started to go, all it took. 12 trials, a total of more than 100km from dojazdówkami. Finally, somewhere in the gray end, but not last, and on a few attempts were very good times. All in all, it is expected a better result, but faster Wartburg no longer could. The great adventure is the start and gives a lot of fun, especially since you have already been said that our car is "a car with a soul."

             "What's next?" Uzbierali?my some cash and looking for a sponsor. With the intercession of a friend we have been through zasponsorowani "Bank of fuel" for a further rally. Another event, the wonder is not completed, although the finish dojechali?my. But different judges and different points of view. Not inquired into it, and so the results were modest.

             The next event is another impression, sometimes quite strong especially when were uncontrolled slipping. From time to time some curbs above, but always to the front and the finish - "fire on the pistons." Generally on forums or in the opinion of the supporters of our crew enjoyed riding up.

             Between rajdami did everything we could to improve our Fure. It's good to je?dzi?o (without any special achievements), until the real parts of the road were at a party in Rzeszów. On one of the rallies zdarzy? us to a small accident. We had set up old tires and once we drove too fast and, unfortunately, was a row. Auto przewróci?o on one side and snag that there was. Wgniot?y the rear left door-to-measure. Nam nothing has happened. After leaving fans literally raised auto and carried them from the really deep rowu. Car dobrn?li?my lit, and so to finish. The irony was that this was the last episode.

             The doors have been replaced, however, started off the fuel to be missing. Startowali?my further with more and more difficulty with their job. The search results provide the sponsor does not, because most people said that he does not set such a car. " Unfortunately for them ...

After 6 events I decided to take a winter break. In between the time managed to find a sponsor who wy?o?y? funds. They immediately knew what goes kasa. Already for a long time going to strengthen the engine. Gathered information and data. This was not an easy task, either because no one knows how to do this or do not want to say. But I gave it. Founded entirely different engine. It was completed very much - from cosmetics to the mechanical case. The engine, interior, and external appearance. You already saw how u doing Poloneza colleague in 2000 and he caught the sentimental old rajdówek and concluded that our Wartburg will be made by the old canon. At the beginning of the prosecution did not know what it is WR 311 ...

The first tests of changes began in January 2008 on the super sprint in Rzeszow, where we achieved our first success - 4th place. Finally, some results.

Another starts, however, has not been so good results. One of the reasons it has not yet developed to the end car, always made a last-minute, AI competition awfully went to the front of the stage cars. Subsequent starts again and the money for their own treatment are also limited the claimant. Therefore, progress in the preparation of cars posuwaj? is so far slow. But to the front. A smaller number of starts, but in Przemy?l 05.10.2008 took part in the event "Super Sprint - on top" - 5 crossings. Wartburg showed and finally what can be place on the podium. What surprised people! Next start in Rzeszow in a very strong competition only fifth place in class for 15 - in theory, but the car was much faster that we defeated. again were among them, even Subaru Impreza ...

Currently looking for new Wartburg and sponsors and continues to carry out further modifications such as: the exhaust/fuel system. For the next year we plan to debut in the type of racing events, 24-hours Lemons, or where Wartburg feels best, and I probably also.

From this point on, I would like to thank everyone who contributed to the development of next project and in particular my family, my girl, Lenin, Clinton.

Special thanks to our sponsor Tampax us, without which starts in occupations that will be difficult for sure - thank you.

Phil O'Brien


Here are my reasons for my rather questionable desire to own a Wartburg

1. I actually know what a Wartburg is (was)

2. For many years I had a small book describing import cars of the fifties. It became dog-eared and I think my wife eventually threw it out.  I did look wistfully at the Wartburg pictures and specs thinking of the day I might have one for my own( OK!  I looked at the picture and laughed at the car and its name .  I did look wistfully at the Borgwards; they were desireable

3. I actually owned a brand new 1964 Fiat 1100D which taught me the essentials of auto repair. This was the first ever new car that I had ever purchased.

4. I did look wistfully at Fiat Multiplas that were in the Fiat dealer's serrvice bay.

5.  I actually got to drive a 1960 DKW two-stroke, which the Fiat dealer provided when the Fiat was in for repair (the dealer often muffed up on the Fiat service)

6.  The next new car I purchased after the 1100D was a 1970 Simca four door, front drive. It was the last year that Chrysler sold Simca in the US.

7. A  close friend of mine purchased a Humber Super Snipe wagon, and I had the opportunity to ride in it on many occasions.

8. I bought a used 1975 Studebaker wagon. It was the last year for Studebakers (except Avanti). (It lost third gear (but not before the gas gauge died), and for many months I drove it with only first and second gear (until the gaskets blew)

9.  I actually love the Citroen 2CV. and would buy one if I could ever afford to buy a another car (unless I could find a functioning 1959 Fiat 500). I am still paying off my loan on a 2007 Chevy HHR.

10.  As an automotive journalist, i could actually do a road test on the Wartburg and have it in my column,

11. As the track announcer at New Jersey Motorsports Park (MJMP) in Millville, NJ, I could extol the Wartburg over the PA system

12. The Wartburg could be exhibited at NJMP when vintage racs are run (VSCCA and VCRA)

13. Many years ago, when I wrote for the West Chester (Pa) Daily Local News,  nationally syndicated humorist, Dave Barry, was my colleague  in  the editorial Dept.  Dave would be impressed by the Wartburg being a prize.

14.  My wife would not be overly happy with my winning a Wartburg  She would rather have a Subaru
The 14 Hours of Lemons could have a great deal of satisfaction knowing its awarding of a prize would cause marital  dissension, thus adhering to spirit of the organization's raison d' etre..

15. If I did win the Wartburg, my grandkids would think that it was named after the warthog character Pumba, in the Lion King.

I trust that my application will be treated kindly.

Russ Dodge


Why I should win the Wartburg 311.

I am a new dad who can't even afford to put 500 into a car to prep it for a Lemons Race and I really really really really want to win this Eastern Euro machine. So I can trash the hell out of it at Lemons. I also need an excuse to go to Nelson Ledges for the weekend of the race that my wife will buy. I can't enter a car and she probably wouldn't like it if I left for the weekend just to watch. Catch my drift? Speaking of drift. Do you think we could make it drift??

Darren Vanderzee


Where do I start? I guess I should first say, from one evil genius to another this is brilliant.  Only an evil genius such as yourself could find a way to get people to beg him to take a Wartburg off his hands.  And having a bit of that streak in myself I must say this car belongs in the evil genius family so it can live out its full potential.

Add to this you would be saving me from the absolute mediocrity imposed upon me when my team handed me a Toyota to build for our Lemons chariot.  Where is the potential for evil goodness in that?  Where is the flair, the panache?  Vanilla is not a flavor I tolerate well.  As sure as a swift shot from Auric's gun could have easily ended Mr. Bonds life a Toyota will be swift, accurate and reliable. But Mr. Goldfinger appreciated the flourish of genius, no matter how doomed to fail that the laser brought to the situation. Let this Wartburg be my laser as I set out on my hopeless yet entertaining mission to upset the 007's of this world.

Right from the outset let me tell you I will not be so mundane as to put a small block V8 anything into a gift of this uniqueness. I think this situation would call for a bit more flair and well, hopelessness.  I have, sitting now in my garage, a 101,000 mile Studebaker straight 6.  And not one of them fancy schmancy reliable flathead 6's.  No this is one of the maligned OHV 6s which helped to doom Studebaker later in it's life.  And why stop there, I'm thinking this requires mid-mounting in the car, just to ensure no one mistakes it for one of those mundane Wartburg's with a Studebaker 6 in the engine bay.

To be honest from the moment I saw this car I had impure thoughts about what could be.  Not those wholesome family impure thoughts like I had when I met my wife's little sister.  No, I'm talking about full blown, bottle of Bacardi, some used 40 weight, a Wartburg and me wearing nothing but a smile, kind of impure thoughts.

But I digress, I have a well established history of insanity when it comes to oddballs.  My first autocross car was a 1973 VW Squareback with an automatic.  I built a wide body Yugo...just to prove I could.

I have issues and I'm proud to admit it.  I did not come by the name Misfit Toys Racing by accident, it was thrust upon me by other local racers who always remarked at the litany of oddballs I would bring to races.

Unconvinced?  Did I mention I have owned one of every body style Lancia Beta ever made?  Coupe, Zagato, Scorpion and HPE.  I've suffered through Alfas, Fiats, Triumphs, Austin Healeys, MGs and a myriad assortment of other misfits but up until now something has been missing.  Today I realize, that something is a Wartburg.  Choose me and I will be able to look you in the eye and say "You complete me".

Remarkably my wife did not immediately hit me with a frying pan when I mentioned I wanted this car.  She took a moment to set down her phone first, then took a swing.  But she is understanding, and more importantly she realizes the more time I spend in the garage the less time I'm annoying her.  Therefore I cannot promise the high quality amusement of marital discourse but I can pretty much guarantee my teammates tie me greased and naked to the hood and take parade laps to punish me for thrusting this upon them.

Generally all of the above might seem enough to make me seem like a complete loon.  But please don't pass judgment until you hear me out on this final point.  2010 was to be the year of the Trifecta of Crap for my team.  1 car, 1 year, 3 events.  BABE Rally, Lemons and GRM challenge.  With this in mind the Toyota makes very good sense.  I've never much cared for making sense, as you can tell by reading this diatribe.  The Wartburg, oh god, the Wartburg is nonsensical as Dr. Seuss on a 3 day meth bender, it deserves this glory, I deserve this torment.  I need this car.   Now you may deem me a complete loon, but just as you couldn't turn away while that laser inched toward Bond's naughty bits, you know you want to witness the spectacle we will create.

Jim Thwaite


Why I need a Wartburg, let me count the ways…. Letterman style

1) We have participated in all the Lemons South races. Received the Al Gore Carbon Neutral penalty the first year and the Lost our will to live the next. With a car like this, we could win the “Al Gore lost his will to live” award where we could plant a dead tree covered in dripping oil while folks throw stale, genetically altered bread at us. More entertainment for you all!
2) After having 2 different Lemons cars in the yard and neither the wife leaving me nor the neighbors getting pissed enough to move out, this baby ought to get these two tasks accomplished.
3) Maybe I too can meet hot chicks in the airport (above and beyond the TSA folks). It would appear it takes more than just being a Lemons racer or I don’t go through the right airports. I think the Wartburg could be the ticket.
4) My 401K took a crap but is making a comeback. Having this beast will send me spiraling towards a overpass, shopping cart and a flimsy cardboard sign faster than any investment banker ever could.
5) They say to expect a colder winter this year. This hot rod should open up that hole in the ozone and make for a much nicer winter for all. I am thinking let’s put a Powerstroke Diesel in it burning old vegetable oil for the full effect.
6) Being sentenced to life in the corporate cube farm, this would give me yet another way to avoid working. Imagine how much time can be wasted trying to find parts for this turd, all while giving the illusion of work.
7) Owning this thing will certainly qualify our race team for some sort of government subsidy program as it will be obvious we are incapable of making a good decision therefore should not be held accountable for the fallout. A few billion ought to do it. Count on some really good bribes when the check clears BB&T (No, Bubba’s Bank and Transmission, the solvent one).
8) In the off season, we plan to use this vehicle as a mobile car care clinic. We would not want anyone’s “headlights” in need of care.
9) Only you can prevent forest fires! Enough said.
10) I need a place to play Yanni’s greatest hits where nobody will make fun of me. This thing come with an 8-track?
11) Working on this thing should provide plenty of opportunities to use the new, free to everybody, slightly better quality than in Somalia healthcare system where I will be able to help saddle your great, great grandkids with some additional debt all while making some drug company even more money. You gotta love America.

On the very slim chance that you don’t award us this fine part of world automotive history, give it to ms. fortunecookie. Every Lemons race needs more crappy cars and pretty girls.

Mark B
Grim Reaper Racing
Lemons South

Grim Reaper Racing - V-6 Ford Mustang
American Made with worn out foreign parts


Surely no one deserves this fine automobile more than a proud
citizen of an apparently (according to Rush) Socialist nation, it
deserves to return to a place safe for mindless bureaucrats,
impossible Red tape (get it?) civil servants who just don't give a
damn, prohibited firearms, State Controlled Medicine and the Metric
System, a known act of Cold War subversion designed to cripple
mechanics and enthusiasts in all 50 states....AND not 10 kilometers
from where I write this, a mountain of Castro's finest cane sugar sits
in a bond warehouse in segregation to keep it apart from sugar
destined for America (this part is actually true) proving our stubborn
desire to trade with the last bastion of Communism in the Western
Hemisphere....Lada, Dacia, Skoda, Renault (OK, they were lousy, not
Commie) all sold in Canada right under your Capitalist noses! Ha!
Besides, (another true story) I was once picked up by the RCMP for
attempting to scale the wrought iron fence surrounding the Soviet
Embassy in Ottawa after a dorm February. Only impending
frostbite and the desire of the constable to close the door prevented
an international incident....PLUS ANOTHER INCREDIBLE BUT TRUE
STORY.... my mother was a Communist partizan message runner in
Northern Greece during the attempted Red takeover of that nation. Only
a compelling letter and from her rich uncle in Chicago and the
criminal use of Napalm by U.S. "advisers" convinced her of the dangers
of Stalinist brigandage....later shocked by the insane pace of
Capitalist Portland Oregon in 1960, she retreated to a textile factory
in snowy Toronto, where in late 1962, I was born. The rest is history.
For that Wartburg,  America is Guantanamo Bay...for God's sake (a
purely secular expression, of course), let me lead it North to the
Promised Land, behind my Oakville union-built F-150...President Obama
can do it with wrongfully convicted terrorists; you can do it for a
wrongfully imported Wartburg.

Yours in Socialism,

Dimitry Anton "Endo" Anderton


So why should I get the Watburg??  Couple of reasons.

I'm a mechanic by trade, Studebaker, Mercedes, Fiat, Ford, Chevy, Toyota, and everything else, the rat can fix them all!  Fact of the matter is it makes me happy inside when I get the chance to work on a new breed of car or a oddball that I have never seen before.  The Watburg, is both of those, and then some!

What would I do with such a car?  I'm thinking I need to attack it with a V8 and a welder.  Not a big block with nitrous or anything like that.  Just your basic small block out of a pickup truck.  I would make it a car that you could drive every day if you wanted.  Why??  Cause I WOULD drive that car every day.  I may be a lot of things, but I'm never ignored.

I'm thinking the car would look great in orange, granted I think that about every car more or less, but just imagine go Mango.

Also, while I WILL be at the The Lamest day...I don't have any way to get the car home.  Well unless I drive it home.  Can the old German car make it back to Wisconsin for its transformation.

Ask yourself, whats the worst that could hard can it be??

See you in Ohio.

Captin of Team sucker punch.

Matt, "the rat" Key.


I’m sure you’ve been pelted with essays about this car.  I’m not going to bore you other than saying I’d be glad to give it a home here in NJ.  We’re currently in the process of putting a team together for next year’s event in New England and have been keeping an eye out for a car.  I happen to own a two stroke Saab, and have a running spare 850cc motor that could grace this fine machine.  I haven’t done much research, but it looks like the Wartburg motor is derived from DKW just the same as the Saab; if nothing else It certainly seems to be laid out very similar to the early bull nosed cars.

No matter where the car ultimately goes, the thought of a loud two stroke with an expansion chamber gracing the 24 hours of Lemons makes me happy.

Andrew Grubb


Yes it’s been 20 years since the Berlin Wall fell, but I wouldn’t tell the Wartburg 311. Just like Daniel Brühl taking care of his fragile mother in “Good Bye, Lenin!,” one can’t break the news to such an old and proud East German icon. Thus I would convince our Wartburg the country is still going strong by enlisting it in The National Team of the GDR. Sure we’ll be slow and billowing smoke from our three cylinders of fury, but we will outlast those damn Wessies with their fancy BMW’s and color TV.

I lived in Germany for two summers and know what it takes to keep old GDR machinery alive. I love East German cars, here’s a pic of me in Jena.

If I get the car, I will also convince a girl I know from Weimar (two train stops away from where the car was made) to join us in our fight for glory. That’s right, Thuringia represent! Just like the anthem of the Wartburg’s fatherland, we will rise from the ruins!

Herrick Griffin


You see, I’ve got this pack of buddies, of course everyone does, unless you’re some toothless freak who lives under a bridge, like that overpass in Miami where they make the sex offenders live (I’m not making that up, google it, it’s for real). But I digress, as I so often do. I’ve got a pack of buddies, good friends who would not only have you back in a bar fight, but would have already made friends with the bouncer before we walked in, ensuring we’re not the ones getting tossed out.

            I approached them in 2007 with an idea, that honestly, wasn’t that odd considering what we have done before (most of it is still in litigation, so I can’t discuss it here). “Let’s enter a race for $500 cars!” Most of them shrugged and said “Sure.” It’s not that they weren’t excited, we were just a strip club and they were distracted. Not in the way you think, it was a very bad strip club and the Red Sox game was on the TV.

            And we did. Military schedules interfered and the driver’s roster had to change a bit, but the lot of us gutted and raced a clapped out Thunderchicken in Altamont California and had the freaking weekend of our lives. That’s saying a lot, because I met this pack in Las Vegas where we were all living at the time.

            Live and careers have scattered us to the four corners of the world (Seriously, Afghanistan, Germany, Guam, Omaha) but we have been planning a not so triumphant return the dizzying glory of Lemons ever since that scorching summer afternoon watching our twisted car dump its life’s blood onto the twisted front A arm.

            And suddenly, there it shines, on my dual monitor screen as I sit in my cubicle farm here in Colorado. A 1958 Wartburg, indeed as I stare on Jalonipik dot com, the angels themselves sing a heavenly note from above, for my prayers have been answered. To be honest, they are Soviet-era angels who chain smoke unfiltered cigarettes with the quality of lawn clippings, so chorus sounds like dozen Dr Girlfriends’ making vroom-vroom noises. Ahh the sweet sound of music to my ears.

            Why me, why team “Polish Military Staff” (You like that? I just made that up, right then)? Well you’ve got some nerve asking me that! Oh wait, that’s why I am writing this. Well I suppose every submission deserves it, but can all of them actually make it? I will be relocating to Edmond, Oklahoma (population 74881, Saaaalute!) in September to be re-united with some of my sporadic gearhead buddies, one of which owns no less than 4 Honda N600s, a S600 and a 1968 Mini truck. So he knows axis powered motorcycle drivelines in small cars. I myself have a 1965 Mercedes Fintail (another choice of other Lemons Competitors of lore) slowly oozing diesel and rust chips onto my driveway as I type this.  None of them run, so you can see how this team is shaping up (oh wait, I mean he’s a good mechanic…crap, I knew I should have used a computer instead of a typewriter!). But we are experienced GRM Challengers, previous Lemons folks, lively autocrossers and generally all around good dudes. Except for that one time in college and I swear, that tiny pony was asking for it.

            Allow me the slight indulgence of our military background. Now, imagine, the former glory of the “Iron Curtain” Soviet Empire being driven to its doom by freedom loving, insane patriotic gearheads! Yeah OK, it’s not the glory of the cold war empire, but certainly as close of a relic as we can get without a Trabant, which I think the EPA rules made illegal to crush.

            What I can guarantee is a group of capable gearheads, low on cash, lower still on skill, but big on dreams armed with a cache of sawzalls, at least craftsman tool boxes, two welders and a lot of good beer (of which I’ll be happy to send you. I mean Colorado is the largest concentration of microbreweries in the US and a case could “accidentally” end up on your doorstep…) that will leave that mighty car as original as possible, save for the red star on the door and the staff flags, with a solid safety additions and if we can’t make that engine turn over, another equally worthless power plant in its place, that will adhere to both the spirit and intent of competition that dominates the 24 Hours of Lemons. You will have the smiling-est, uncompetitive car out there, acting as if it has a chance (not in a dickheaded “smash you” kinda way, but in a “never say die, hand me the duct tape” kinda way), and I can probably assure you that only the guy who actually shaves his legs (you know, for speed, it’s not gay) will be the one in the mini-skirt.

            Can we win? No. Can we try? Hell yes. Will we have fun at Lemons Texas in Houston? Dam skippy! I already have a plan, you see, I got this group of buddies….

Thanks for your time, (and I am not kidding about the beer.)

Capt W. Christian "Mental" Ward