Forget Good Morning America- Lemons On Suicide Girls!

Absolutly epic coverage!  From an epic team none the less!

Welcome to the Mayhem!

You know, Judge Martin and I were also interviewed by Suicide Ladies, only... um... they didn't use our crap. But, in the interest of, uh, posterity, here it is.

1. What is the criteria for being a judge? Is there any?

Judge Martin: You must be a fat sleazeball with hideous facial hair,
and you should earn your living as a Doctor Of Automotive Journalism.
Sometimes the first two requirements are waived for skinny-ass
non-sleazeballs (e.g., Damon Lavrinc or Zerin Dube), but we expect
such judges to make up for their failings by hating cheaters all the
more.

Judge Lieberman: Exactly what my man said. I mean, David E. Davis is a
fellow judge.

2. How do you come up with the penalties?

Judge Martin: They are the products of our innate cruelty, just rising
to the surface of our thoughts like gas bubbles from the PCB-enhanced
mud of a New Jersey swamp. You're only seeing the penalties that made
it past the all-too-strict "Is this idea too much a pain in the ass to
actually make happen?" test at Lemons HQ, unfortunately.

Judge Lieberman: Dangling participle! Ahem. There's also the courtroom
test, as in would we be laughed out of a courtroom when asked to
explain why we locked a bad driver in a trunk with deadly snakes? 90%
of the time it turns out yes.

3. What is the typical reason folks get the black flag?

Judge Liberman: Typical reasons? Because they drive like morons. That
is where 100% of black flags come from. I don't know how many times
I've had to give the following speech, "Listen -- on a race track you
must keep the nose of your car pointed in the general direction of the
track, you must keep all four tires on the track, you can't hit other
cars, cones or tires and you can't pass people under yellow." That's
it! How easy is that? But seeing how IQ scores have nothing to do with
the 24 Hours of Lemons, we have races like Reno-Fernley where the
evildoers racked up 239 black flags -- in only 14 hours of racing! Of
course the heinous drivers at Thunderhill managed 288! Or wait, same
drivers!

Judge Martin: If you ask the racers, the typical black flag is an
unjust response to a miraculous save after being forced off the
track/into a spin/into the bumper of another car. In reality, however,
we see more Penantly Box miscreants for passing under a yellow flag
than for any other offense.

4. Are you bribeable? What have been some of your best bribes?

Judge Martin: Absolutely. Favorite bribes include a nice crisp
Benjamin, a bottle of Zaya rum, and a lunch menu with walkie-talkie
attached that allowed us to place an order with a team's chefs.

Judge Lieberman: Oh yeah, the menu as a bribe was outstanding. Like
the man said, we're hella fat. And usually hungry. Recently, the
bribes have been getting more creative. Like the antipasta plate that
team Cheaty McCheat-Cheat gave us. Additionally, I think we've
received a total of seven bottles of John Powers Whiskey. If you don't
know it's good Catholic Irish Whiskey, not some lame Protestant swill
like Bushmills. So. more John Powers, please. One more -- I was asked
randomly by an internet person (sort of like this interview) what my
"ideal" bribe would be. I responded, "A bottle of Black Maple Hill
18-year-old Bourbon." And voila! I got one.

5. Any other classic judging/penalty moments?

Judge Martin: Honda CRX comes barreling into the Penalty Box after
being flagged for "cone collecting," with the driver unstrapping
himself before the car even stops rolling, screaming "I didn't do it!
I didn't do it!" It's making a horrible scraping noise, and an orange
cone drops out of the suspension right in front of us.

Judge Lieberman: Yeah, we wound up bolting that cone to the roof of a
car. Actually, and this is kinda a had-to-be-there moment, but at one
point during the last Houston race there were three Saabs, a Celica
and an MGB all with tires bolted to their roofs. That was sweet.

Judge Martin: Another favorite: Mullet-wig-wearing Mustang team with
cheating-ass stroker Ford Windsor (and "Craigslist" misspelled on
their phony screenshot of the listing through which they allegedly
purchased the car) rolls up a huge barbecue grille to the BS
Inspection, and it's got bacon-wrapped filet mignons a-sizzling. Then
the team produces an excellent (and gigantic) shrimp cocktail as an
appetizer.

Judge Lieberman: I got another, too. The racer in question is going to
remain nameless because... I can't be bothered to remember people's
names. HOWEVER, he walked up to me at one point during the race and
said, "I've been an Eagle Scout, I got married and I've had a kid --
Lemons is better than all of them." Now, I've never been an Eagle
Scout, gotten married or had a kid, but I'd have to agree. That said,
there could be a 9-year-old mini-Judge Lieberman running around St.
Louis...