The 24 Hours of Lemons Forums → Bench Racing → Quoatable Lemons
(Passing under yellow) Black Flag Judge: " Your car has so much anger built up in it... Look at it...It looks like full on aggression.... It needs to be a happier kinder car" "Here now paint some happy flowers and rainbows on it"
Lamented - "If you can't spot the bad drivers and give them enough room to take themselves out of the race ( it's a long race ) you might be one of the bad drivers."
"You know you are slow when you get lapped by a boat." - Me, after running the last half hour at NJMP in the WWP Cougar.
"You know you are slow when you get lapped by a boat." - Me, after running the last half hour at NJMP in the WWP Cougar.
<sighs> I knew things were cluster-f**ked with the Parnelli Jones Galaxie at Summit when I had to wave the boat by at the end of the main straight. Worst weekend ever. <sighs again>
Cheseroo - "Um really? Seems like that thing was spinning out every corner.....it just didn't go all the way around in most of them."
During a compare/contrast discussion about our two cars this weekend, Anton (X-args) says:
"The (Tetanus) Neon is quite communicative, it's just that it's usually telling you things you don't want to know."
a new one from this weekend
Judge Scott: you spun, what happened?
Me: something is wrong with the car, it died and caused me to spin.
Judge Scott: oh sure DJ, blame the car
(me hitting the starter and the car sputtering and dying repeatedly)
Judge Scott: Ok, we'll mark this one mechanical, go fix your car and show us what it was.
"How on fire are we?"
Said by person welding inside the car to teammates slacking off outside.
Dr Wife: "Oh, that's Speedy Monzales. It's a piece of crap, but quite a joyous piece of crap."
Judge Phil: Remember to act like you're driving a Monza and not to act like you're driving a race car.
We were pitted right next to HQ at the Buttonwillow 24 hour race. About 8 hours in, we had just come into the pits because the Jeep was running at 265 degrees and about to go China Syndrome. Our cool suit system had failed while we were circulating under yellow for seemingly ever, and I personally had already gone thermonuclear. My crew was trying to pour water on the radiator to cool it. I was fuming, literally and figuratively, still belted in with helmet on.
Along Jay comes and pops his head in the passenger window of the Jeep.
Jay: "What's wrong?"
Me: "It's overheating," I explain through clenched teeth, as steam is billowing out from under the hood.
Jay: "Why's it doing that?"
Me: "Because it doesn't have any fans any more."
Jay: "How come?"
Me: "Because both the mechanical and electric fans broke."
Jay: "Why's that?"
Me: "BECAUSE IT'S A $200 PIECE OF SHIT 'RACECAR' THAT FUCKINGD FWHFKF KAHFKJFJA FK(@&$ *&^$(&^!" stupid Lemons race bullshit gralhflk gblbargrgsf!!!!"
About halfway through my rant I realized Jay had wandered off to the penalty box and I was alone, screaming into my helmet. It was then I realized it would probably be a good idea to put in another driver. I came and got a cold towel from the hydration station. It was the best decision I ever made. Anyway, I still chuckle thinking about that.
-Matt
Hoverducky - I rather enjoy the insanity aspect of a crowded Lemons race. Having to dodge retards whose internal monologue has devolved to something like a berserker scream is hugely entertaining.
James Rogerson, Chief Instructor at MSRH, while explaining the flags at the driver's meeting a few races back, gets to the blue and yellow passing/faster car approaching flag:
"If you see this flag, this means that there's a race going on, and you're not in it."
Outside Tetanus Mobile Command Post at MSR Saturday morning, Brett and I are standing around under the awning drinking coffee and watching the rain. Mary bounds from the trailer with a towel and a shower kit.
Mary: “I’m going to take a shower. There are eggs and cheese in that cooler, there are tortillas and salsa in the trailer, we’ll eat breakfast when I get back. ”
Brett: “I like Mary, she’s subtle.”
There was some rodent propagation involved in lighting the stove without adult supervision, but all ended well.
arrive and drive turned chief mechanic turned recruiter for le mopar
"honestly, I did it for the bacon"
Day two of the first Autobahn race with the Escort Andrey finished his stint and I was next.
Andrey - (In a Russian accent) "The brakes feel "different" but you will adjust to them"
The brakes was different alright, almost dead.
"The spider rolled a few layers of web AROUND the sensor wire. I swear he did this on purpose." -- FireGremlin
from yesturdays build session.
me- "I'm going to try and start it"
steve - "i'm going to go stand far over there."
me - "man the fire extinguisher"
steve - "it won't help from all the way over there."
From today's build session, just returning to the project from a many-months hiatus wherein we worked on other projects, built skills, built a garage, accumulated tools beyond a 20-year-old Craftsman socket set, and had a lift installed.
"It's got a cop motor, which has at least 3 cracks in the block; it's got cop tires, which are shot after some asshole tried using them for racing; cop shocks, which are straight up blown. It's a model made after catalytic converters but some guy named Speedycop gutted them inexplicably. It's about 700 miles to Chicago, there's a five gallon gas can over there, there's half a six pack in the fridge, it's o'dark-thirty and we're... not wearing sunglasses. Lets put this bitch up on the lift and pull an engine."
"I can't tell you how much I didn't miss working on this car."
(Standing under the car on the lift)
"A: Hey, I didn't know this frame had holes rusted in it.
B: Yeah, did you notice the holes rusted in it are right above the lift pickup point?
A: (Moving out from under the car) Now that you mention it..."
"I need to start buying cheaper fluids, that's two cars now that we've filled up and then had to drain with fewer than ten minutes on the engine."
I gutted them when the floor got hot enough to melt racing shoes. Cats are supposed to glow bright orange, right?
Only when the air/fuel mixture or timing is "just right".
Phil: "Wait, how come they're in class C? They have a lot of cheaty bits and stuff"
Nick: "I donno, cause it's an Alfa?"
[the poor Spider blew up on Sunday, naturally]
I gutted them when the floor got hot enough to melt racing shoes. Cats are supposed to glow bright orange, right?
Absolutely. I have a solution in mind for that car's excessive horribleness index. Lets just say that there's no replacement for displacement, and there's nothing 420ftlbs of torque can't fix.
By the way, I should have some lovely news about the other Crown Vic fairly soon. Block is off to the machine shop for a cylinder hone (I don't trust myself to not screw it up) and then it's just a quick assembly job, an exhaust, some rubber suspension bits and some glass away from being back on the road. That's what, two build weekends?
I need to start buying cheaper fluids, that's two cars now that we've filled up and then had to drain with fewer than ten minutes on the engine."
I told you not to spring for that fancy Royal Purple stuff. 
One of my favorite Lemons quotes, from the Airplane-Powered MR2 thread.
Mulry wrote:It's worth mentioning that it's this kind of stuff that separates Lemons from the rest of the entire freaking automotive world. It's awesome when "crackpots unite" is a rallying cry.
Credit where credit is due. Phil is the one who taught me that when someone is this far "down the rabbit hole" the only fair thing to do is toss in another carrot and kick dirt over the exit. It makes for maximum entertainment that way
They're so strong they can cut through the exhaust of a Volvo. Nothing cuts the exhaust of a Volvo. They use some sort of Ikea Volcano Frozen Tundra metal.
The 24 Hours of Lemons Forums → Bench Racing → Quoatable Lemons