Topic: Want a Get Out Of Penalty Box Free card for CMP?
You've seen some other racer scrape into the penalty box with a bunch of cones wedged in the grille and then get waved right back out. How does that happen? Well, maybe we're just being capricious and/or lazy, but most likely you've just witnessed the use of a Lemons Gerald R. Ford Memorial Pardon. How can you be just like Richard Nixon and skate on your crimes? Easy! The best way is to bring us some gear that we're too lazy or cheap to ship out from California.
What kind of gear? This time, a team that supplies us with one of the following will get a Get Out Of Penalty Box Free/GRFMP certificate. If multiple teams bring any item, we'll pick the best one and the weaker teams will be SOL:
1. Big-Ass Boombox With Batteries
We've got a couple of penalties that require the use of hideously amplified music (e.g., Burning Man, Ghost Ride The Whip, Penalty Parade). That means we need the use of a great big thumping boombox for the weekend. Factory boomboxes are fine, but we prefer homemade car-battery-based stuff like the Shrimp Boots Mobile Sleep Deprivation Unit:
Or perhaps something like my very own 92-pound Turbo II Junkyard Boogaloo Boombox:
2. Pit Transportation
The justices of the Lemons Supreme Court aren't just totally unfair and arbitrary jurists. We're also amoral hack journalists! That means we need to be able to leave the Penalty Box and go shoot photographs of cars blowing up on the track, teams duct-taping shattered connecting rods back together, etc., then zip back to the Penalty Box before the guy working solo falls over dead from exhaustion. For this, we need the use of a couple of bicycles, dirt bikes, a golf cart, whatever. Ratty-ass Schwinns with pink handlebar tassels are just fine. Lowrider bikes are even better.
3. Hats
As you can see in the photo above, we like to stay cool and enhance our dignity with appropriate hats. Bring a couple of great hats- cowboy, Boss Hogg, sombrero, straw boater, whatever- for your judges and you shall be rewarded. You can have them back after the weekend, but we'll probably have puked someone's horrible Jake Leg-inducing moonshine into them by that time.
