Topic: Chris Hanzel. 29 going on 80.
This month I will be celebrating my 30th birthday. However, if you saw my most recent rental car while in Indiana & Illinois you'd think I was 80. Through a sweet deal I thought I was getting from Hertz online I was pre-paying for a Cadillac STS at Chevy Aveo prices. A steal and perfect for putting the 120 miles from Indianapolis, IN to Champaign,Il swiftly in the rear view mirror. What greeted me in the rental garage was not the Bright Burgundy STS shown in the advertisements but a Pearl White DTS. Apparently the Indiana school system needs to work on spelling and acronyms. That swap of a leading S to a D changed the rental equation from a RWD, sportylike luxo-barge pushing me across state lines to a FWD retirement home recliner pulling me to my destination. My dreams of RWD motoring were dashed. I grew up in a Citroen DS household so the opportunity to pilot anything non-wrong-wheel-drive excites me. But you know what? I liked it. A lot. Maybe my lack of daily motoring enjoyment (I have replaced my 150 mile per day commute in a nimble '05 MINI Cooper with a chauffeured 30 minute jaunt to work in an express bus thanks to AC Transit here in Oakland) has clouded my automotive judgment but I doubt it. I get my kicks from time to time in a RWD My Little Pony Lemons 5.0 Mustang so I have some context of what fun driving still is. Instead of hooning along the interstate in the RWD STS (I do not condone this sort of dumb behavior) I was treated to smooth and stealthy acceleration by the Northstar V8 of the Delectable Touring Sedan, engulfed in full body climate control and protected by a myriad of "electronic nannies" making sure I stayed on my intended route instead the nearest farmers market. Lane departure buzzer? Wonderful. Nearby car proximity sensor? Fantastic. Air conditioned seats? I'd melt from the joy I felt except my core temperature was well below the freezing point.
The additional pleasant surprise from the DTS was the low rumble from the engine compartment that filled the cabin with a feeling of purpose and urgency as if to say in my 80 year old voice, "Get out of my way, Matlock is on in five minutes and I gotta get back to the home.” My 30 year old self though wants to put some mildly louder exhausts on it to equalize to audio coming from the rear of the car with the burble from the front. The one performance upgrade needed on the Pearl Puller is to swap in a set if Z-rated Vogue tires when high speed runs to the Safeway are needed during double coupon Metamucil offers.
In my Caddy I felt underdressed in my jeans and work boots as I headed to a construction site. I felt I should have headed to the nearest Big and Tall to get a pair of khaki shorts worn well above my waist line, a baby blue polo shirt, crisp knee high white cotton socks and a set of loafers. Blue blockers and a nautical captain’s hat would seal the deal. My wardrobe needs a bit of an update these days. I'll run this selection pass the wife when I get back home.
The surprisingly enjoyable wrong-wheel-drive performance of the Northstar and the multiple creature comforts I am not regularly accustomed to were not on my radar when I was drooling in anticipation of getting behind the wheel of an STS but they are now the memorable elements of the DTS that have rocketed to the top of my list for my next automobile, unless my next car is a Buick Grand National, GMC Cyclone or 60's El Camino. Forget Tom Hanks' mild transformation from child to adult due to Zoltar, I aged 50 years this week due to a Cadillac. And I liked it.
Photos of the Pearl Puller https://picasaweb.google.com/christophe … 1617961522 and other sweet rides during my journey through Indiana and Illinois: Fiat X1/9, Corvair convertible, VW panel van and Mini Cooper at the same house and the worlds largest fireworks warehouse!
